Based on Dr. John Gottman's research, learn to identify the four communication styles that predict the end of a relationship—and their antidotes.
After decades of research observing couples, psychologist Dr. John Gottman can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or divorce based on the presence of four toxic communication patterns he calls 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.' Recognizing them in your own interactions is the first step to saving a relationship.
What it is: Attacking your partner's character or personality instead of addressing a specific behavior. It often includes 'you always' or 'you never.'
Example: 'You never help with chores, you're so lazy.'
Antidote: A Gentle Start-Up. Talk about your own feelings using 'I' statements and express a positive need. 'I feel overwhelmed by the messy kitchen. Could you please help me by washing the dishes?'
What it is: The most destructive horseman. It's treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, or body language like eye-rolling. It communicates disgust.
Example: 'You forgot to take out the trash? Wow, I didn't realize I married such a child.'
Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation. Actively scan your relationship for things to praise and thank your partner for. Expressing appreciation and respect is the direct opposite of contempt. 'I know you've been stressed, and I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me.'
What it is: Seeing yourself as the victim in response to criticism. It's making excuses, cross-complaining ('Well, you never do X!'), or whining. It's a way of blaming your partner and refusing to take any responsibility.
Example: Partner: 'Did you remember to call the plumber?' You: 'I was too busy today! You know how much work I had. Why didn't you just do it?'
Antidote: Take Responsibility. Even if it's for just a small part of the conflict, accept some responsibility. 'Oops, you're right, it slipped my mind. I'll call them right now.' This immediately de-escalates the situation.
What it is: Withdrawing from the interaction to avoid conflict. The stonewaller may physically leave, become unresponsive, or busy themselves with other tasks. It happens when a person feels physiologically 'flooded' or overwhelmed.
Example: Your partner brings up an issue, and you immediately turn on the TV, pick up your phone, or say 'I'm done with this' and walk out.
Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing. The key is to recognize you're feeling flooded and take a break. Agree to pause the conversation for at least 20 minutes to allow your body's stress response to calm down, and promise to return to the conversation later. 'I'm feeling too angry to talk about this right now. Can we please take a 30-minute break and come back to this?'